mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Still dying that you shit outside
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
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