Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
