Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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