VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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