Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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