Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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