I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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