i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
