How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
