hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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