this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
