he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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