I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
