And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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