you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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