I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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