Cold hands, warm shart.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
