found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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