Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
