Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
