so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
