My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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