my mouth tastes like poor choices
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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