I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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