I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
