i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
