my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
