In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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