I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
