The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
