thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
