You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize