Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
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