ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
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he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
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Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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