When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
