So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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