Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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