I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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