Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
