Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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