That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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