if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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