Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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