sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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