i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
