You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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