My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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