my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
