i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
