mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
