I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
