a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
