I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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